Episode 9

Lonely, is my name today.. 

I believe that every human being is alone, and on it's own. We do have friends and families and husband or wife, lovers even sometimes to try and fill in that gap! But they can't go inside us and fill up what's empty?! They are support and confidants, but we are on our own. We have life companions, partners yes and we travel a road together (or next to each other?). But can we be one? "soul mates" Does that exist? or is it just an expression to relieve us from reality?

I live in NY, a very lonely city, where we lie to ourselves, often blinded by all the action going on. A city of orphans where the family is abroad. Xmas, Thanksgiving amongst friends which has now become my family here. 

Paris, has not that feel, there is so much history and past in that cement, the circle of friends and family you are brought up in, that there is no option of escaping, or discovering, or tasting something different. You are in a cast, you are stuck in the same dimension until you die of boredom. It may be a bit harsh, but they are so blinded by their own culture, by the "that's how it should be", that they don't even see themselves and just judge others in order not to face their own life, their own reality. Loneliness?

How to live your loneliness fully and accept it? 

I don't know. All I know is that, I escape by going on websites like OKCupid.com. There is even this website called Chatroulette, all you need is a webcam and you can speak with complete strangers all over the world! I even spoke with this guy who lives in China, some teenage girls in London! Of course, a lot of perves that want to see your tits and jerk off in front of you. Very sad. I stopped going there after 2 times, it was too depressing. 

I did meet this guy who lives in Miami though, and we did have a little skype sex. We kept in touch and now we regularly speak on skype (and only speak!). Kinda like a modern penpal I guess?! He became a confidant; a complete stranger. It does make things easier, cause he has no idea of where I come from, or my past, He just sees me for whom I am now. Kinda refreshing in a way!

I was skyping with my Mom in Paris yesterday and she asked me: "Don't you feel lonely, living by yourself after leaving Mista' P?" (my ex, 2 years ago) and I was like: "No, not at all, I love living alone and I've lived alone for many years, even before Mista' P, but yes, it would be nice to have someone to come home to." It's true, I like the freedom of having my own space and not having to compromise my rhythm of life for someone. But maybe, that's because I have not found that someone for whom I would be happy to do so?

It was a challenge moving to Budapest, Hungary, with my ex. A city where the language is unbelievably hard, incomprehensive. Seriously, not a Greek or latin root, a tribe that just settled there. A totally different culture, with a past that is pretty heavy in pain. A beautiful city though, delicious pastries, Turkish baths, shots of Palinka (a traditional Hungarian fruit brandy) in warm underground bars, with clouds of smoke! Mista' P's mother's cooking every second Sunday. But I always felt, like there was some kind of shadow covering all that, something very grey... I was moving there to live with a man for the first time and in a tiny apartment, but at least we were in the center and not in the suburbs sharing the apt with his brother. But that small space, I believe was a killer. Not enough space for each of us to breath. 

Why did I leave NY? Was I running away from my loneliness here? Was I really in Love? Did I just go because I had nothing to lose? Did I use him to experience something new? 

I don't know.

ciaocioa